• Angst

Day 24

It's been a minute.

Here's why.

School is super busy. It's hard to imagine, but working from home can be 24/7 if you allow it. There are so many Zooms, so many everything. I had no idea I'd still look forward to the weekend so much working from home.

Making sure everyone has what they need at home is a lot. Cooking, cleaning, little projects, and spending time with everyone. Which is, like everything else, a lot. Being with people 24/7 is a lot and I adore everyone in my home. To get a moment of silence you have to be up hella early...the kids are up until all hours so that can even be a crap shoot.

It's so easy to get pulled into digital reality. Between watching news coverage and being entertained by Facebook, Twitter, and the internet in general, it's easy to get pulled into that alternate universe, especially since it's our only connection to the rest of the world now.

But mostly I'm just scared and don't really want to talk about it much. The news is continually worse. Over a million people, and the US is like a cesspool. Over 1,000 people dying every day, and the death toll is projected to be up to 200,000. The stories from hospitals are heartbreaking.

There is a point system for who gets a respirator. This is 2020 in the United States of America, and there is a point system for who gets a respirator when they are sick and can't breathe. It's based on age, prior conditions, and we all know there will be a point in there somewhere based on financial status. Doctors have to decide who lives and who dies.

In Pennsylvania we have to wear masks if we leave the house, other than to just be outside. The stores are still running out of things, and when you are in the store there are public health announcements that just sound so odd.

Strangers hold our lives in their hands. There was a story on the news about a bus driver. He filmed a video to post, understandably irate after a passenger on his bus coughed without covering. Four days later he had the virus. Three days after that he was dead. Amazing people dying every day. Mothers, fathers, doctors and nurses, musicians, actors, athletes, artists....

So, yes. I'm scared. If one of us gets sick enough to go to the hospital, it will be completely alone, into a war zone, with a completely unclear outcome.

I'm scared of how long this will go on, and what the future will look like if and when it's ever over. The economy is ready to collapse, unemployment is the highest it has ever been, entire industries are in danger.

I'm scared of who in my life may die.

I'm scared it could be me.

I'm just scared.

One day at a time. I'm ok. I'm staying positive. But deep down things are shaky.

Before wrapping up let's end with a few silver linings.

Pollution in the world is drastically down.

The vibrations of the earth have literally calmed.

Families are coming together, neighbors taking care of neighbors, good will abounds.

We can do this.

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